Tsunamics and tsunamissions

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Suddenly, billions of people have become painfully aware of this most natural of phenomena, the tidal wave. 'Natural' of course; predicable, possibly; avoidable, most certainly not.

Scientists will now redouble their eforts to model tidal wave generation and propagation. An obscure of Fluid Dynamics will become fashionable: "Tsunamics" - as a term it is already in use.

There will be more tsunamists or tsunamologists, developing more accurate tsunamical models predicting wave length, amplitude and speed in various oceans, etc.

There may also be novel microeconomical modelling of the effects of tsunami in affected areas; "Tsunomics" - I guess.

Safe in their -safely inland- laboratories, scientists will be rubbing their hands with glee, as they calculate what grants they may be able to justify for further research on how to save the unfortunate and hopeless fishermen, cooks and waiters, who work the tropical resorts, with their children and womenfolk. A noble cause, indeed, promising many a PhD and even some professorships in the neglected Oceanography or Geophysics Departments.

Not to be outdone, the various religious organisations will deploy tsunamissionaries to proselytise the terrified and the dispossessed as they give a hand.

The temptation of commercialisation of the 'fashionable' topic is too great for some. New Internet domains and web sites have already emerged; some with not even any content - yet. The film industry will produce another blockbuster. I wish there could be another metaphorical tsunami to sweep the world clean of such blatant exploitation of a catastrophe.

Xmas lights delivering the message?

Brilliant ideas (of mine, of course). I'll leave the patenting to you:

Xmas lights programmable to deliver Xmas greetings, carols, cooking advice and what not, in ...Morse code - which might appeal to erstwhile boy scouts, like me.

Xmas lights with GPRS and GSM receiving and playing SMS or speech-to-text messages as above (from relatives and other annoying intruders of my Xmas peace), with optional midi sound, related or ...not (e.g. the words of a carol to the music of another, delivered out of tune for extra annoyance).

Xmas trees made of edible candy for children to consume over Xmas so that I don't have to haul them back into the attic at the end of the season. An added secret feature could be the release of tranquilisers (or even mild toxins) to naughty children of uninvited guests. Ebenezer Scrooge would envy me for this idea.

[I think these dioxins in the mince pies we were offered at the school Xmas party have started having an effect on my brain. Sorry about this.]

Xmas crackers containing pornographic material, to embarass relatives who insist that we should have them. Hopefully, after Auntie Hyacinth finds a miniature dildo with explicit instructions in her cracker, she will not want to pull another one. Teenage guests who might take an interest in this new and uncensored source of porn might find that their crackers contain nativity characters with suitable religious messages to sober them.

Mary had a little lamb...

Armed police shoot errant sheep
Any jay-walker, from unruly toddlers breaking loose from nanny's grip to demented dear old ladies who strayed off the pavement onto the carriageway should better look out. Given that they will be in no position to identify a rightful owner, they may be shot for being "a danger to the public". I mean, fancy grazing on the roundabout!

Mary had a little lamb, it lost its way in town;
the P'lice who shot it claimed "it was a Danger to the Crown!
On roads it kept on wandering, on roundabouts it grazed;
of its audacity and cheek, we're certainly amazed."

Baaaah...

"Feed the world!"

I often wondered: why don't the Band Aid organisers teach the Africans to sing "feed the world"? Wouldn't it be a more direct request than actually telling listeners to feed the world? My other half says that it wouldn't make money because people don't listen to begging starving Africans. They prefer to listen to middle-class [well, "class" is not what comes to one's mind immediately] well-groomed artistes, some of whom cannot sing all that well, broadcasting the message to even more affluent listeners [and viewers - mustn't forget the TV, although I don't watch it]. If the Africans were singing it themseves, thereby disintermediating the pop artistes, some of them might end up at the West End [of London, that is] where there is plenty of food.

"Make Poverty History!", they were pleading tonight. I thought Poverty History has been in the making for centuries. No need for making more, surely.

Seriously, now. Begging by proxy is hypocricy. What is wrong with with Governments quietly putting up taxes to millionnaire pop singers by a few pennies per £10 CD to 'feed the world' before starving millions, deserving or not, invade Europe in their millions by sea or under-sea tunnels and forget to pay when they 'shop' at Tesco [or Fortnum & Mason for the more eclectic ones]?

"Do they know it's Xmas?". Well, they bloody well don't. Santa's sleigh got stuck in the sand in the Sahara and the reindeer died of thirst. So, no Cindy Doll or Sony Playstations for the starving children; no hideous Xmas post card delivery; no twentieth show of "The Poseidon Adventure" or "The Titanic" on their ...one (1) standing wall in the village [all the rest already demolished by guerillas or mercenaries]. Roast turkey wouldn't go amiss, mind; if only there was also some water or milk...